Thank You For Flying Gougehem Airlines!

Bargain hunters could find themselves paying more to fly after Frontier Airlines, a low-cost carrier, on Monday said it would start charging extra for carry-on bags.” [Reuters]

flight attendant

“Good Afternoon, and thank you for choosing Gougehem Airlines.  Please direct your attention to the flight attendants as they inform you about the safety features of our Swinging Sixties Era fleet of 737-200s.  Please fasten your seat belts, as demonstrated by our attendants, by placing the tab portion of the belt into the locking section which can be activated by inserting $1.00 into the slot in the rear portion of the locking tab.

For take offs and landings your seat should be in the full upright position — if you would like to recline during our flight this can be accomplished by swiping any credit or debit card into the auto-pay device on the arm rest to your right.   A partial recline is $5.00 and a full recline is offered for the bargain price of $15.00.  Your tray table, if you have paid for one at the modest costs of $12.00 using your auto-pay slot, should be in the full upright and  locked position.

Please make sure that your carry-on item fits in the slot under the seat in front of you, which can be opened by swiping your credit or debit card in the auto-pay device for $20.00.

Our aircraft is equipped with four emergency exits which will open and will automatically record a charge of $50.00 per passenger.  If you would like to use the emergency slide during our evacuation there will be an additional $30.00 assessed as an entertainment fee.

In the unlikely event of a drop in cabin pressure the overhead oxygen supply will drop, please swipe your card in the auto-pay slot and a small fee of $17.50 will be charged to your account.  Place the mask over your face, tighten the straps ($2.00 extra), and secure the mask before assisting others.

In case of an emergency water evacuation, a life vest is available under your seat, for a modest charge of $25.00. Please swipe your card for immediate access. Place the flotation device over your head, tighten the straps, pull the cord ($5.00 activation fee), or blow into the tube ($2.00 activation fee) to inflate the device.

We remind you that smoking is never allowed on Gougehem Airlines and federal law forbids tampering or disabling any of the smoke detectors.

Our restrooms are located in the front and rear of the aircraft, please remember to bring your debit or credit card to gain entry. ($30.00) We remind our travelers not to form lines in the forward restroom area.

The use of mobile telephones is not allowed during take offs and landings, but may be used ($50.00 fee) during other portions of the flight. Cell phones should be set to “off” or “airplane mode” while traveling with us.

Please remain seated, with your seat best fastened, unless the captain turns off the sign when we have achieved cruising altitude.  You may access and view the signage panel by swiping your credit or debit card ($5.00) and pressing “sign” when prompted to do so.

We know you have the choice of airlines, and we are happy that you have chosen Gougehem Airlines for your travel today. Sit back, relax, and let Gougehem take you safely to your destination.”

1 Comment

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One response to “Thank You For Flying Gougehem Airlines!

  1. Reblogged this on pollycon and commented:
    My feellings precisely when I saw the email from Frontier. Thanks for getting it out there.