Potty Problems Solved for Conservatives

Gender Neutral Restroom Dear Conservative Friends and Neighbors:  I understand you are “baffled,” or “confused,” or something about gender neutral restrooms. [TP]  Perhaps I can assist you.  A gender neutral restroom is what you have in your house. You may have more than one, but I seriously doubt that you label each bathroom with gender specific signage.

Further, restrooms have stalls. Most people close the doors, just as you would at home, and just as at home when people head for the restroom/bathroom they usually do so with some urgency.  People do not generally ask which toilet to use in your home – they ask where it’s located.

As with the gender neutral toilet facilities you have in your home, we can assume that there will be some male of the species who will leave the toilet seat up.  The great Italian poet Dante did not provide for a tenth circle of Hell occupied by those who leave toilet seats up, especially in the late evening hours.  He should have.

Anyone who has shared a household toilet with male family members will know that all men’s aim is not created equally.  Nor do all follow the instructions: “Water sprayed on water makes a noise for all to hear, but water sprayed on porcelain is gentle to the ear.”  It’s like home, only with a public restroom you don’t have to put up with the excuses — “I did not!” Or, “I had to hurry because Janie was banging on the door.”

I’m not sure I can help those who found sharing a gender neutral restroom a “bizarre,” or “disgusting” experience.  I’m sure they have toilets in their own homes which are in regular use – by members of all genders.  But, but, but, they may sputter, these are “public” restrooms, and I’ll be in there with perfect strangers. Yes.  Consider the positive side of the experience.

If your elimination causes wrinkled noses, like what happens to the next person to use your home toilet after Uncle Festus does his morning constitutional post three cups of coffee, you’ll not have to face that person again.  Probably ever.  You will certainly not hear a family member bellow some appeal to The Deity followed by “What have you been eating? Roadkill?”

The nice feature of gender neutral toilets is that they honor the ancient precept – When you gotta go, you gotta go.  Aging conservatives will no doubt appreciate this more than the younger models.  There is a point in one’s life when a new Rule  is relevant: If you are 70 years of age or older never pass up an opportunity to go to a restroom.  Any restroom anywhere.

Frankly speaking, I’m a bit baffled myself about the conservative obsession with toilets.  Stuff seems to happen, or potentially happen, or could possibly happen, or might someday happen in their toilets that doesn’t appear to match the reality of common human experience. 

If a person were to feel this vulnerable with the drawers down, then how does that person undress for bed in a hotel room?  It’s public, it has a door, the door can be locked…

Should this not assuage the fears and phobias of conservatives, then I’m not sure what else to say except that they should definitely avoid camping, and perhaps any other activity outside the home that might interfere with their elimination and bowel transit schedule.   Beyond that I have no idea how to assist them.

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